Turn Styles and windy roads.

So I am sitting on the couch. It is 10.30pm. The TV is on, but I don't know what is actually ON TV. Kids are asleep and hubby is too. It is just me.

I am sitting here and this, right now, is my time to 'chill out', relax, I have the whole house to myself.

But I can't. I can't relax, or chill out.

Instead of doing something I enjoy, or just sitting and watching something I like on TV for once. I am sitting here thinking....

"hmmm I should be cleaning the coffee table, it's filthy"

"Oh I could be unstacking the dishwasher right now"

"I should put a load of washing in the machine to hang up in the morning"

or.....

"I should make the kids lunches tonight to save time in the morning"

"I should make a list of things I need to do/ want to do tomorrow"

What the hell....

I finally get some time to myself, and these are the thoughts that run through my head?? I don't even know what I want to watch on TV. Because I never really get a say in whats on, I don't know what I like anymore. I could be working on a 'hobby', but, alas, I don't have one! I can't even decide on what I would like to have as a hobby.

I think, something like photography would be really cool. But somehow, somewhere in my brain, there is something that is telling me there is no point, I wouldn't be any good at it anyway.

I don't know why I think like this. But I know it needs to change, and stat!! I can't go on doing what I do everyday, day in, day out. I don't even allow myself a Sunday off. I don't just sit. Like, ever!!

I feel like my mind is going a mile a minute. I don't stop. Everyday, I get up, make food, clean house, do the kids things, school, homework, back to cooking for dinner. Then baths and bed. It feels like a never ending circle that I just can't stop from spinning.

I know I need to snap out of this destructive cycle. I shouldn't be worrying about the housework so much. I shouldn't care if the coffee table is a bit dirty. And really, it only takes me 5 minutes to whip the kids lunches up in the morning. So I need to stop stressing about these mundane things. I need to start enjoying life a bit more.

So, that's what I am going to do. I am going to spend the day tomorrow organising the house, and getting it back into order. Then, I am going to start enjoying my own life a lot more. I am going to go out more, I am going to find a hobby, and not destroy my own excitement by putting myself down in my head.

I hope I can change this turn-style life into a windy road along the shore line. Something scenic. Something with many metaphorical pit stops along the way. I know there will be speed bumps. They are inevitable. But, if I slow my pace until I am over the bump, then I can keep on moving.

I'm not sure how this went along the path of metaphorical driving and such. But it is obviously the way my mind works.

My children are getting older. Yes, I still have small children, but day by day, they grow more and more independent. They don't need me as much anymore, so it really is time for me to start  to pick up the pieces of my own life. Start to find out who Tiffany is again, not just who 'mum' is.

I will keep writing about my journey with this, as it helps me to clear my mind. It helps me to get it all out in my own time, in my own words, and in my own space.

5 Random Thing About Moi!

This morning, I was tagged on Instagram to share 5 Random things abut myself.
I got thinking, and thought it might be nice to share them on here too, but with a little more depth into I, as I can't fit much on Instagram.

So, my 5 point are......

Why the Change?

If you follow me on Facebook then you would know, hubby and I had a massive talk, and made the big decision to change the kids schools.  This was a major choice for us, and the children, since they had only just had to move from one school in VIC to the one here in QLD last September.

I felt bad about making them move after only just getting acquainted with the new school. But there were, in our opinion, very legitimate reasons. This is a huge decision that required a lot of thought, and a lot of talking with the kids about their feelings and opinions.

The most embarrassing thing EVER!!

OH MY GOD!!

Like seriously, OH MY GOD! The most embarrassing thing EVER just happened to me and hubs....

So let me set the scene....

Hubby and I thought "hmm the kids are in bed, lets have a shower, like, together!" OOOH how sexual right! Anyway, we come out of the bathroom and are on the *ahem!* bed, bedroom door is shut and lock also so you know, JUST IN CASE a child wakes up right...

A weight has been lifted....

The Love Of My Life!

Last night, from about 4.30pm, I had a massive splitting head ache. I don't know what brought it on. I don't get headaches often, and when I do they are usually tolerable, and some panadol gets rid of them pretty quickly. So when panadol didn't work, and I was making dinner, hubby came home and saw how much my head was hurting and gave me a hand. As we were eating dinner, I said to him " I can't do 'kid stuff' tonight honey, can I be 'off-duty?" He of course was happy to let me chill out, and he cleared the table, did the dishes, and did all the 'kids stuff'. When he came back into the lounge after putting them all to bed, he brought with him a cup of tea and some chocolate biscuits. Just for me! Gosh I love this man! So I layed down on the couch with my cuppa, and he even surrendered the remote!! So I was mindlessly flicking the channels, but decided there was nothing on, so I gave it to him and he watched some boring doco thing on something that is of no interest to me. I ended up falling asleep on the couch at 8pm......

My little Xavier....

My little Xavier, he is struggling with his first year at school. If you follow me on Facebook then you will know he has been going through Separation Anxiety when I drop him off. He screams hits scratches and tries to run from the classroom when I leave. It has been hard, but he is slowly getting better. I take him in early so he and the teacher can play on a special iPad they found for him to use until the bell rings for the other children to go into class, so he can settle without the other kids around. He has been doing really well.

However, it seems to go from one issue to another. Now he is settling in the mornings easily enough, he has been acting out at lunchtime in the playground. I was mortified when I got a phone call yesterday afternoon asking me to come pick him up from school, as he had clawed at another boys face, and drew blood, and he bit another little boys arm. I was shocked and my eyes almost popped out of my head as this is SO out of character for him. This is the 3rd time he has done this at school.  He is a pleasant boy with a heart of gold. He very rarely hurts people and if he does it is usually only his big brother, but even then it is only in a brotherly way. They don't do 'punch on's' or anything. Just sibling scraps.

Living with a secret

Well, it is time to come out of hiding. People seem to see me and think I have it all together. I have 4 gorgeous children, a fiance that loves me and I love him. But, things are not always as they seem, and this past week it has hit me hard. Like, really hard!!

My husband to be has Bi-Polar. And it is hard.