The reason I have been away - its too much!

Well I would like to start off by apologizing for not posting for a while. We have had many things go wrong in life lately, that the one more thing that happened recently, was all too much for me. I am so very over everything bad happening at once. 

It all started in October last year, my wheelchair bound grandmother went into the hospital and never came out. She passed away on October 27th,my youngest child's first birthday. I was there, holding her hand when she slipped away to a better life. I had never seen anyone die up until that day. It was hard.

Then in November, my mother, who is only 55, was diagnosed with Gall Bladder Cancer. This is not curable.We were told she would have less then a year. It has been scary every day since. Every time the phone rings, I panic thinking its the hospital. I love my mother to pieces. 

December, well Christmas was enough in that month since we are not mega rich, it was one broke month!

January, well January wasn't kind. First we found out Chris's company is shutting down in Victoria and Western Australia,and moving everything to Queensland. We had an offer to move there, which we considered but decided against. So now he is looking for a new job. January also was when Chris's workmate lost his 9yo son, he had a mental delay problem, took off when no one was looking, and drowned in a dam. This was horrific.

Not long after that, my good friend from high school, lost her baby when she was 41 weeks pregnant. They don't even know what happened!

February, well the 14 (valentines day) was my birthday. I went out for dinner with my mum and Chris, but due to the shaky future of Chris's employment I didn't get any pressies. There was also a massive storm which a lightning bolt struck the pole at the back paddock and blew out the transformer. We had no power (therefore no water since we are on tanks) for 24 hours! This was hell.

 To make it all worse, when everything was starting to settle down, we find out our dog who is 10yo was suspected in killing sheep with the neighbours dog. We didn't want to believe it as she is so old and usually just sleeps around the house. She has even turned grey from her old age. Then the neighbours dog kept coming over and taking our dog on walks with her. Anyway we found out today that it was our dog. She has been ceased and will have to be put down. I cried. I still feel like crying. I don't know how I am going to explain this to my beautiful children. Especially my daughter, she is so emotional with animals. They have all grown up with this dog.They sit on her and pretend she is a horse, and she just sits and takes it all. She is just so loving. 

I hope March brings better day, as I feel as though I am slipping away, slowly, day by day, piece by piece. Turning into a numb robot that cooks,cleans and changes nappies. I feel flat. I need to re-connect with myself, but first I need to find me. 

I hope my venting hasn't bothered too many people, I just needed it out or I was going to break down. Still feel as though I am only living on borrowed time with that..... Until tomorrow.