Mum

My mum and my 4 kiddies. xxxxx

On the 15th July 2012, my mother passed away from Cancer. This is why I have been away. I have been far too numb, weak and tired to blog. I won't apologize, as I think this is a normal human reaction.

She was diagnosed with Gall Bladder Cancer in November last year, almost exactly 2 weeks after my grandmother passed away. So we have gone from nursing my grandmother, to nursing my mother. It has been had hard few years. But the last month of my life, have been a blurry hell. I have barely been home. It has been a blessing that Chris has been able to be off work for so long as we get things in place for our move to QLD. He has taken the reins at home with the kids and the housework, and the cooking, for me, so I could spend time with my mum. For this I am eternally grateful to him. I got to spend the time with her, just me and her, without having to keep kids in line.

I am having very vivid flashes in my head of her last breath. I blink and I see it, it stops me in my tracks. You see, no one else was with me when she passed. My Aunty was outside on the phone. It was just me. We knew it was close. So she was calling my other Aunty to come over. So I sat and told my mum a story, about how she will get to see her mum again, and they can go fishing off a pier and catch rainbow coloured fish. Then they could sit on the beach and eat fish and chips. And walk hand in hand into the sunset. I hated seeing her in pain, so I whispered to her that it was ok. Ok to go into the sunset with nanna. About 30 seconds after I said that, she was gone, and I was left sobbing in the lounge room of her home, alone, holding her hand and wishing she would take another breathe so I could tell her once again that I loved her.

I have been floating in a blurred state the last 2 weeks, the first week I had to plan her funeral totally on my own. I had never done that before, and it was hard, scary, and horridly sad. I cried like a baby when reading her eulogy, and I am not embarrassed to admit that. But I stood there, on my own, and said what I wanted to say, about a lady that had a heart of gold, soul of an angel, and the kindness of a saint. My mum.

Mum, I will love you always, and there will not be a day I won't think about you. xxxx