Wednesday, July 17, 2013

I'm not Superwoman (Although it would be nice)

So, the last few days have been somewhat of an emotional roller coaster.

Monday the 15th was the 1 year anniversary of the passing of my dear mother. I spent the day sitting and thinking about her, the good times, but it was very hard to not think of the vivid images of watching her pass away, and having to go through all by myself. It was horrible. But I know she is no longer in pain, I got through the day, and will again every year. I know that. It's the way she raised me after all!!

Then Tuesday, things fell apart. Hubby came to me very early in the morning with a massive low. The deepest depression I have seen him with. He was terrified, and frankly, so was I. I was on the phone most of the day with a Crisis Assessment Team, and helping him just get through the day. I had made a Dr appointment for him but couldn't get in until this morning. So, it was a matter of just surviving yesterday.

Today, we had a routine house inspection, just so happened to be at the same time we had to be at the Dr's. So I had to make sure the house was ready before we left for school. So a lot of the night I was cleaning. Then this morning getting the final details done, like beds made etc.

He did the Dr thing, Hubby had his medications upped. So we went to the Pharmacy to get more, then to the bank to deposit a check. By time we got home I had enough time to put on some dinner and sit for 5 minutes before I was back out for school pick up.
I bumped into my friend who made me an appointment with a psychologist for tomorrow morning. She was concerned about me, which I found overwhelmingly beautiful, but I rang and changed the appointment for Hubby instead of myself. He needs to talk to someone ASAP. So, tomorrow we are off there.

However, I am done tonight, I don't know what to do right now. I have been a shoulder for Hubby, I have mourned my mother again, and I have scrubbed the crap out of my house. All within a span of a few days. I'm spent .... Exhausted .... Falling asleep typing.

I can't be that shoulder, that mourner, that cleaning lady/slave right now. I need a rest. So, tonight, I quit. I am going to leave everything, throw the kids in bed, and sit. I'm going to switch off and be completely and totally selfish. And you know what .... I don't care.

Monday, July 1, 2013

A realisation

Last Friday, Hubby had to go away for work. We didn't find out until 8 pm the night before, and had to be up at 5 am, with the kids, to go to the airport to drop him off. He had been away for a few days before this, and had just gotten home about an hour earlier from that trip, before finding out he was off again. 

The kids were gutted he was off again. But, it is life, you have to work to earn a living and pay for the roof over your head, the food in your belly, and all the other bills associated with living in general, right? Right. 

I explained that to the kids and they understood as much as they could for their little ages. They didn't like it, but understood he absolutely HAD to go. 

So we took him to the airport, dropped him off, and then drove home.

It began before I even left the car park. The screaming, the bullying each other, the hitting! Ugh! Come on, it's too early for this guys! Seriously!

We got home, and started our day, only to have more screaming, hitting, taunting and nagging.

---- Insert sigh here ----

This continued ALL day! By lunchtime, they broke me. I cracked, and I became submissive to their wants. I just didn't care anymore. Anything to keep them quiet and to give my poor ears a break!

Pancakes for lunch covered in chocolate? OK!

Tim tams for afternoon tea? OK!

Me: What do you want for dinner kids? 
Them: ----Maccas!
Me: OK! Lets go get in the car and get it then
Them: ---- I don't want to get in the car....
Me: Well how do i go get it then?
Them: ---- I don't know, can't we stay here?
Me: No, it's not safe for young children to be home alone
Them: ---- Crying, and screaming.....
Me: OK, how about if you come, I'll get you an ice cream too??
Them: ---- YAAAAY!

Hold on.... what the heck happened there?!?!?!

Situations like this have been popping up more and more frequently lately. It has been driving me nuts, then at night I stay up thinking about how much of a horrible mother I am for giving in like that, and what horrible junk they are putting into their mouths. Which, is only fuel for the fire with additives etc. 

Hubby came home Saturday night. Poor Mr 5 was very ill, but we still had to head out at 7.30 pm, to be at the airport by 9 pm to pick him up. He was burning up despite the panadol, and was very tired and cranky, understandably. So I was cuddling him on my lap while waiting for hubby to get to the car. The others however, jumping around, kicking the inside of the car, screaming, and wouldn't settle down for anything. As soon as I saw hubby walking over, they were quiet, and sat patiently for him to arrive...... Frustration overload.

Later that night when we got home, put the kids in bed, and were in bed ourselves. I started crying. I spilled my guts to hubby, and he made me realise that I was being bullied by my own children. 

WOW! That realisation sucked!

I don't know how this happened. I understand that they really miss having Daddy around. I understand they hate being couped up all day because it has been raining a lot. I have tried ALL the rainy day activities I can think off. I have googled, I have pintrest-ed, I have done everything I can think of. But there is nothing quite as good as running off steam in the yard. 

I am not sharing this story as a pity party for myself. I know I dropped the ball this time. I just wanted to share with you all, in case anyone else has, or is, in a similar situation.

I don't know how to fix it. I don't claim to have answers. But sometimes just putting it out there, can lift it off your shoulders. Even if only for a little while. 

I am sure in time, they will settle, the rain will stop, and I will get my sanity back. In the meantime .... is it wine 'o' clock yet?