Well, it is time to come out of hiding. People seem to see me and think I have it all together. I have 4 gorgeous children, a fiance that loves me and I love him. But, things are not always as they seem, and this past week it has hit me hard. Like, really hard!!
My husband to be has Bi-Polar. And it is hard.
This last week he has suffered tremendous lows, with increasing tiredness, and horrible, HORRIBLE thoughts. Plans if you will.......
It is taking me all my strength to hold it all together at the moment. As he has a broken wrist at the moment as well, it hasn't made things any easier for him - or myself.
All the little crappy jobs I see as odd jobs to have a little help (like taking the rubbish bins out from the kitchen, or the bins to the curb, mowing the lawns, or bathing the kids, doing the odd lot of dishes) have all fallen to me, on top of what I already was doing. Now I know this doesn't sound like much, but add on top of it the constant worrying about his mental health, about what is running through his head, what he may be plotting. It adds up. Not to mention I can't even leave Mr 2 with him when taking the kids to school, or a quick run into the shops. He is simply too tired. He just can't do these things. All he does is lay in bed, curtains closed and doze on and off.
It breaks my heart every time he has a 'downer'. I so want to just yell at him..
"Pull your head in and get out of bed"
"It's not that bad, cheer up"
"Get the f**k over it already!!"
I can't say any of these things to him. It is just moments of frustration that I feel I need to burst out at him, but I know it isn't going to do anyone any favours. He doesn't enjoy being like this as much as I don't enjoy seeing him like this.
Sometimes, however, like now, right now, I am having a 'feel sorry for myself" episode.
I can't help it.
I feel like things keep piling up on me, weighing me down, every day something new.
I'm going to be honest and list some things that are rattling in my brain, and making me so tired....
- Hubby's downer - I have made him take more medication to up his dose, hope this will help him soon.
- The extra chores and the complete utter lack of help with the children, and them asking me why Daddy can't help (what do I say to that?!?!!)
- Financials! His work is 're-evaluating' his pays. This could go either way, the same, up, or quite down. In which case we would be screwed!
- The death of my mother last year hangs over my head every.single.day! I miss her so much.
- The feeling of isolation. I'm still trying to meet new people here.
- The kids going back to school - Mr 4.5 doesn't like it. AT.ALL!
But I think the biggest thing for me right now - as selfish as it makes me feel - is that my birthday is looming. On 14th Feb (yes yes yes Valentines baby!) I will be 25. I know, I'm still young etc etc. But it is not my age that is making me feel low. It is the fact that I haven't had a birthday since my 18th. Mostly due to lack of funds. I can't remember the last time I got my hair done, I have only ever had one manicure in my life and would like another one. I would like to go out for dinner, without children! I would like to get a present. But - I can't. I 'handle/organise' the finances in our household, and I know we just can not afford to do anything. Again. And it just feel sucky. I really feel like I needed and deserved this birthday to be all about me. Get my hair done, get a manicure (maybe) and go out for dinner, and send the kids off with Daddy to go shopping for a pressie for dear old mummy. But, it just wont happen. To top it all off, I feel the immense guilt for my selfishness for even caring about any of these things. It makes me feel like shit for wanting something for myself. Purely for myself.
So, there it is. What is happening in my household right now. I'm feeling sorry for myself, while hubby to be has a downer from a serious mental illness, and my child doesn't like school, I have bills coming out my ears, and an uncertain future as to where the money to pay for said bills is going to come from.
So, what am I going to do about it all??
I am going to suck it up, and move on. So what I don't get a birthday this year. My children will have a roof over their heads, and food in their bellies. There is always next year.
I am going to keep monitoring hubby to be. Keeping on top of his medications, and making sure he has it fairly easy and relaxing at home. I can't do anything about his stresses at work, but I can about the ones at home.
I am not going to shit bricks about the bills until I get solid confirmation as to what hubby to be will be paid. I will cross that bridge when I get to it. We have been in much worse situations, and we have, and will once again, pull out of it.
I need to keep my head in the game, keep that smile plastered to my face, and suck in the fresh air of today. There will be a tomorrow, and tomorrow can only be better then today. I will make damn sure of that.
So, anyone for a scotch?!