So I am sitting on the couch. It is 10.30pm. The TV is on, but I don't know what is actually ON TV. Kids are asleep and hubby is too. It is just me.
I am sitting here and this, right now, is my time to 'chill out', relax, I have the whole house to myself.
But I can't. I can't relax, or chill out.
Instead of doing something I enjoy, or just sitting and watching something I like on TV for once. I am sitting here thinking....
"hmmm I should be cleaning the coffee table, it's filthy"
"Oh I could be unstacking the dishwasher right now"
"I should put a load of washing in the machine to hang up in the morning"
"I should make the kids lunches tonight to save time in the morning"
"I should make a list of things I need to do/ want to do tomorrow"
What the hell....
I finally get some time to myself, and these are the thoughts that run through my head?? I don't even know what I want to watch on TV. Because I never really get a say in whats on, I don't know what I like anymore. I could be working on a 'hobby', but, alas, I don't have one! I can't even decide on what I would like to have as a hobby.
I think, something like photography would be really cool. But somehow, somewhere in my brain, there is something that is telling me there is no point, I wouldn't be any good at it anyway.
I don't know why I think like this. But I know it needs to change, and stat!! I can't go on doing what I do everyday, day in, day out. I don't even allow myself a Sunday off. I don't just sit. Like, ever!!
I feel like my mind is going a mile a minute. I don't stop. Everyday, I get up, make food, clean house, do the kids things, school, homework, back to cooking for dinner. Then baths and bed. It feels like a never ending circle that I just can't stop from spinning.
I know I need to snap out of this destructive cycle. I shouldn't be worrying about the housework so much. I shouldn't care if the coffee table is a bit dirty. And really, it only takes me 5 minutes to whip the kids lunches up in the morning. So I need to stop stressing about these mundane things. I need to start enjoying life a bit more.
So, that's what I am going to do. I am going to spend the day tomorrow organising the house, and getting it back into order. Then, I am going to start enjoying my own life a lot more. I am going to go out more, I am going to find a hobby, and not destroy my own excitement by putting myself down in my head.
I hope I can change this turn-style life into a windy road along the shore line. Something scenic. Something with many metaphorical pit stops along the way. I know there will be speed bumps. They are inevitable. But, if I slow my pace until I am over the bump, then I can keep on moving.
I'm not sure how this went along the path of metaphorical driving and such. But it is obviously the way my mind works.
My children are getting older. Yes, I still have small children, but day by day, they grow more and more independent. They don't need me as much anymore, so it really is time for me to start to pick up the pieces of my own life. Start to find out who Tiffany is again, not just who 'mum' is.
I will keep writing about my journey with this, as it helps me to clear my mind. It helps me to get it all out in my own time, in my own words, and in my own space.