Monday, April 16, 2012

Who's your mumma?

Today I am feeling hurt. I needed to vent my feelings and frustrations on here, that way I feel I am heard. Even if no one reads it, I have expressed myself.

My daughter and he father separated when she was only a few months old. We were only 16 when we had her. He is still a very involved father and present in every aspect of her life. I like it that way- most of the time. It keeps getting harder every year of her beautiful life, as I now have a fiancé with who I have 3 gorgeous boys with and her Father has since married, but has no children.

I love that she has the best of both worlds, she has a nice large family with us, and she has the space she needs/deserves with her dad. Since we separated when she was very little, she has grown to know nothing else then going back and forth every fortnight. And she doesn't suffer for this.

I only have one problem with the set-up we have. His wife! Her step-mother. She looks after he well enough, in fact she spoils her rotten, being an only child herself, I don't think she knows any other way. It's the fact my daughter has been bullied and emotionally blackmailed into calling her something that I hate. No, I loath. Mum.

I am her mother. I carried her for 9 months. I got up every 2 hours for months on end to feed her, change her, sooth her, help her when she was sick. I endured the ridicule and looks and the 'poo hoos' of being a teenage mum.

I don't appreciate my daughter being told 'If you don't call her mum, she will be sad, you don't want her to be sad, do you? WTF is with that?! What choice does an innocent child have? She is such a loving  little girl, she wouldn't hurt a fly! She goes out of her way to make sure everyone is happy, probably to a fault.

Everytime she comes home from her dads house, I ask her if she did anything exciting and if she had fun. She always does (which is great!) But she always says 'mum and dad took to me..." or "mum and dad got me....". I can't help it, my face just drops. As does my heart. I try not let her see it, as it is not her fault, and I know she will only blame herself if she sees me do this.

I have spoken to her father, but he doesn't seem to see my side. I often think I have no right to ask him to stop making her call her 'mum', as she does call my partner 'Dad'. However, I feel it is very different. One, mothers are mothers, you go through hell and back to bring a child into this world. Two, she lives in the house where he is  for the majority of the time, he pays for her dancing, schooling, athletics, food etc, just as he does for his own boys. Three, we have our own children. We have Mr 5 when she was 2 1/2.  We started getting the baby to say 'dad' and she followed suit. No bullying, no blackmailing. She started calling him 'cook' which was her way of saying Chris, then it was 'daddy Chris' then she just dropped Chris and made it dad. This was completely her choice, and the natural progression she had.

I don't know if I am asking too much or not, all I know is it rips me to shreds each time she says the name. I have no power to do anything. I know later on in life she will make the choices she wants, regardless of what me or her dad says. It is very hard waiting though.

Thanks for listening/reading.


  1. I totally understand, really I do. I can relate to almost everything you vent here, so much it is spooky.. The heartbreak of hearing your own call someone else Mum. The child only wishing to please. The child unable to say your new partner's name. I split with my eldest son's father before he was born. My husband came along a little over 2 years later and unable to say Aaron my son called him Harry. When our daughter came along and started talking - referring to him as Daddy, my son tried it too. We discouraged it. His father was livid at having him call him Dad, pretty rich when he has pushed for his wife to be called Mum. My pleas to stop just caused more fights and for his Dad to push even harder for my son to call his wife Mum. I try not to show my hurt whenever my son says it when referring to her but at nearly 11, he can tell. Hurts.every.time.

  2. It is the most gut wrenching thing in the world isn't it. I feel for you, we both know how it feels, and we can work on it together. If you need anything, please feel free to contact me and you are welcome to vent at anytime. xx Keep being strong, you know you are the better person! xx

  3. Oh Hun that would be so difficult. I just can't imagine my boys calling anyone else but me mum. I honestly dont know what to say except I hope it all works out ok for you guys. As long as your daughter is happy, that is the most important thing which I can see from your post is th most important thing to you. Xx

  4. Thank you Sonia! How lovely of you to say. It is hard, but like you said, my daughters happiness is all that matters to me, so I will suck it up, but only for her! :p

    Thanks for commenting too, love reading them :D